King of Texas is a visual novel that puts us in the shoes of Jon Bega, a rookie Louisianan running back that has been drafted into the Dallas Sheriffs football team. Fresh out of college, he tries to integrate himself into the world of professional sports and complete his dream of being a better player than OJ Simpson. Yes, that is his actual reason. As you’ll soon discover, this is a parody type game that takes jabs at American culture and stereotypes, ranging from Texans loving BBQ to the good old Democrat vs Republican debate.
Upon arriving into our new home state, we are introduced to the three main characters. Georgia, your loud and rowdy boss. Molly, your crazy Republican head cheerleader. And finally, you have Ashley, the equally crazy democrat PR rep. They are all unlikable, to be frank, though that may be by design. As characters they are sufficiently distinct and very straightforward, leaving no questions as to this being a parody game due to how blunt they are on certain topics.
Despite being a parody, it isn’t actually all that funny. It just kind of hamfists stereotypes without any tact or subtlety, and is pretty serious the majority of the time. This plays out more akin to a slice of life title than a comedy. Your goal is to try and seduce one of the two available girls by making various day to day choices. Depending on your choices, you can possibly find yourself quickly being kicked out of the team, finding the love of your life, or being traded out against your will for being too talented. There is a good amount of different endings to see, which increases its replay value.
There is a free dlc to uncensor all of the artwork during the H scenes. In fact, the sex found here may just be the best part of this entire game. Not for the reasons you may assume, mind you. They just kind of came out of left field with how strangely worded they wrote them by having a ton of food analogies. These are at the same time both the worst and best lewd scenes I have witnessed in quite some time. Every line is pure gold, granting such gems as ” Molly moans in pleasure as the feel of the BBQ sauce on her skin takes her over the edge!” followed by a gif of a referee. It’s absurd stuff, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t let out a hearty laugh from this sudden madness.
The artwork on all the characters is very nice, which is a plus. However, they only have a single expression all throughout. That actually does end up negatively affecting Ashley since she will be in a permanent scowl whatever the situation may be. Both datable girls do possess four unique CGs if you manage to romance them, somewhat alleviating that issue. Jon himself has no character sprite other than his male organs and has a completely forgettable, sterile personality.
Easily the worst part of King of Texas is when the football minigame comes into play. In these sections, you simply steer your character left and right to avoid being tackled. Simple enough and easy to do. The problem is that the sounds always glitch out, making the only noise you’ll be hearing be an extremely loud and high pitched screech. Thankfully you can skip these sections and it will still count as a win, though it should be patched asap. Even without that sound glitch, it isn’t very fun and adds nothing of value to the game. If it wasn’t able to be skipped, that alone would destroy any incentive to replay the title.
On the topic of sound, all of the music throughout will be Country, helping sell the Texan theme. There is no voice acting and the English subtitle translation is pretty good, containing only a few errors. In total, it lasted me around three hours after replaying it a couple of times and seeing all it had to offer. I did find how it branches out to be pretty interesting, portraying a good variety of both bittersweet and happy endings. For a two dollar Visual Novel, it offers a sizable amount of content, as well as an uncommon theme pertaining to the defacto American dream of being a star NFL player and claiming anime waifus while you’re at it. If you are on the market for an unusual slice of life novel, King of Texas may well be worth putting on a ten-gallon hat for.
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