Bonetown: The Second Coming is a revamped version of the adult-oriented, open world game initially released in 2008. It features twice the overall amount of side content, three times the total voiced dialogue, and a graphical overhaul. This is the same game many knew and loved, just bigger and bolder than ever before. That being said, not everyone has heard of Bonetown, so allow me to start from the beginning of our great tale. You see, we play as a nameless character who one day found himself washed ashore on a beach. His backstory will always remain a mystery, but there are more pressing matters on hand, such as a drunkard urinating on our character’s unconscious face.
It wastes no time putting us right into the gameplay as we must then win a fistfight with that drunk. Combat is a simple affair that uses two different buttons to string together punches with your left & right hands. There is a block, yet you’ll rarely have use to it as fights tend to lean in favor of those that land an attack first, causing a stun locking effect on their foe for further punishment. After basking in your mighty victory against that inebriated chap, Bonetown then introduces us to its second main mechanic. Boning. A big-breasted blonde immediately noticed that we aren’t from around here and taught us the ways of the bone. Namely that oral sex refills your HP, vaginal increases your Balls meter, and Anal fills both meters at once if you can convince a woman to let you excavate her poop shoot.
Fighting and sex are the two central ways of life here in Bonetown. That sounds all well and good until your new blonde friend gets her chiclets punched in for refilling your health with oral. It turns out that The Man has recently moved in, disallowing any sex or drugs. This shady-looking organization wears clean black suits and has “cameras” planted everywhere to catch indecent acts. The tutorial only lasts a few minutes and does a great job of informing us of all that we need to know. From then on, we can ignore any further main missions to explore the dense and varied locales that make up Bonetown. Exploration is the name of the game here. You can attempt to rush through the story, yet you will be solely under-equipped.
The first order of business should be discovering just how incredibly beneficial taking drugs are. Crack makes you run extremely fast, Peyote turns you invisible, and smoking that ganja allows you to jump at superhuman heights. A good portion of my first hour was admiring the small details scattered throughout the world and chasing down anyone that looks like they may be holding some crack rocks that I could use. And man, oh man, could I use some crack. Joking aside, drugs are actually indispensable. You may think you have enough, but that is likely not the case. Their effects wear off fast and can double as “superpowers” while in combat if you’re willing to spend a drug for that attack. For example, Peyote can be used to spawn crackling lightning around you. Whiskey can be ingested to use as an impromptu flamethrower. And eating a Frog makes you fart an atomic blast.
Those truly world-shattering powers must be learned. One does not simply take a pull of a joint so deep that exhaling it at your foes gets them high as well. We must explore the world in search of those with that knowledge. In that latter case involving Weed, that talent is in possession of some Latino dude in a sombrero named Aguaman. These are essentially boss fights in where we must beat down these masters of the ancient arts to learn them ourselves. They are marked on our maps, so it isn’t a blind search. The problem comes from actually winning in a fight against them. As you may imagine, Aguaman is truly the king of the jungle.. or something. I don’t know. His trident smacked my character so hard that he immediately respawned in a nearby town without his clothes on. For all I know, taking drugs may actually be bad, and I imagined the whole thing.
Our character is a strange one. With the limited options at our disposal, we create him before beginning our journey. The twist being that he turns out to be a shapeshifter. He has the ability to steal the identity of anyone he knocks out, down to their cellular level. We take on their voice, personality, and physical fitness. Our old self is forever lost, and we live on by completely replacing that NPC. Each NPC has two stats that we should take note of. The first is HP, a stat the affects overall health points. Their second stat is their Balls, aka how attractive they are to the opposite sex. Remember, we regain our health with oral or anal sex, so not having a willing partner can be determinantal in a dangerous situation.
When it comes to sex, we start off with a few basic positions. More can be unlocked by completing main missions or paying a hooker to teach you their skills. We have an option to ask for Oral, Vaginal, or Anal sex. The order of this matters. Women in this game are much more likely to be okay with oral than the other two. You can guess how likely they’d be down for whatever you’re looking for, depending on their attractiveness and your current Balls meter. Fat women are the easiest to lay with, while it takes a high Balls meter to get with the slimmer ones. When it comes down to it, none of them offer any benefits over the other. If you are into women with some meat to their bones, then go for it. The real advantage of the Balls meter comes from the overall availability of women willing to hook up, or in other words, not having to look as hard to heal.
Here I go talking about Balls again, but this is pretty important. To increase the meter, you need to go through main missions. If you haven’t done any, you will be locked to the default stat which the NPC came with. This means that a nerd will never be able to get with a hot chick, or most chicks for that matter, making using them a bit of a hassle during the early game. By the time you finish the game, however, you can make anyone into a total Casanova. You just have to make women orgasm during sex to increase your Balls meter until reaching that point. Maxing out your bar also increases your overall damage. Sex is tightly integrated into gameplay in a way that makes it feel rewarding. That is a real achievement considering how little it means in most other lewd titles in where it’s more of a novelty.
Going through the main missions are good and all, yet they don’t award us with any cash. We can go beating down crackheads to top up our supply, or explore the wilderness searching for Shrooms or Peyote, but learning new sex positions is a costly endeavor. It is unnecessary in terms of refilling health, though having more animations keeps things feeling fresh instead of seeing just a few throughout. This is where the side missions come into play. They always offer three tiers depending on how well you do. We can shoot for the fat price at the top of those tiers, but we must first know the objective. The tasks asked of us can include things such as choosing out women of specific races or looks, playing a game of capture the flag where it’s homosexuals vs jocks, and a wide variety of other outlandish things. Most of them either come down to fighting or having sex, usually both. Only a few break the mold. As entertaining as the dialogue to set up these events can be, they get stale fast due to the unchanging gameplay.
I honestly got bored merely playing the twelve main missions. Even then, they wildly overuse combat, which is far from Bonetown’s best feature. Its simplicity is fine, yet the massive over-usage of fighting causes its flaws to be amplified. It is a melee-focused affair in where you should be using a weapon unless you simply have no choice. The main fault I have with it is how much time you spend doing nothing. A simple three-hit combo will knock someone back. A heavy attack will knock someone back. A running attack will knock someone back. There is no way to attack someone on the ground. You must constantly be waiting until you can attack him again until he gets knocked back, then the cycle repeats. Fighting groups of foes does not solve this issue. It only reveals the extreme magnetic-like nature of your attacks and how wildly it judges who to target. Imagine a situation in where you are fighting near people. Now imagine your character smacks some random NPC, causing them to aggro against you too. It quickly spirals from there as you accidentally continue to smack random people as you try to fight the ones you need to take down.
Enemies can attack through one another, so you being stun-locked for significant periods of time is a common occurrence. Trying to take down a group of foes is tedious. You 100% need to make use of the drugs to cast ‘super powers’. Fine, that’s fair enough, even if it invalidates the melee system. What’s not fine is that final mission. In a review full of exaggerations, I want you to know this is not one. The final mission in Bonetown is the most drawn-out and tedious thing I have probably ever done in a video game. They double down in their idea that the combat system is fun and add challenge in the worst way possible. I hope you like tight gray corridors filled to the brim with the toughest enemies. Oh, did I mention they use the same drug attacks that you do? They can strike you from a massive distance, blow marijuana smoke into your face leaving you unable to do anything, and much more. As a reminder, they can attack through one another, and the AI for this enemy loves to spam these unblockable super moves.
Thankfully, none of the other missions or side quests are quite that extent of terrible, yet many are not fun. Bonetown really drops the ball towards the end of the main quests. One mission entrusts you to get between a gang fight among African Americans and The Man to retrieve the chicken leg in a capture the flag seeming manner. So you lay down the ass whooping until you finally manage to bring that chicken leg to the black pastor. Then he asks you to do it again. Okay, that’s still kind of funny. And then he asks us to do it a third time. By the fourth time in a row that we had to do it, I was in disbelief. I have no clue what they were going for, but offering a fun mission wasn’t it. The worst part is that everything surrounding the quests are pretty entertaining in their unapologetic edgy humor. It is the type of experience that would be a blast watching it through Twitch or something, yet actually playing these missions is less than thrilling, to put it lightly.
Where this title truly shines is in its exploration. The world is split up into multiple zones, which require loading screens when crossing between them. It is insanely varied. There are swathes of untainted nature with ingenious people living within, towering skyscrapers in the downtown section, a trailer park full of Jewish people, and an Indian Reservation, to name some of them. Each zone has its own collectibles to look out for, unique culture and people, and music. Good god, the music in this game is simply excellent. What type kicks up depends on your location. It can abruptly change when you run through the reggaeton playing Latino neighborhood into an Indian-themed melody near the deli market, as an example. However, they all add a ton to the atmosphere. There are little details to be found in every nook and cranny. Things open up even further as you get better pipes for your weed, and you begin jumping higher than The Hulk. It may not be the biggest world out there, but the dense nature of Bonetown’s environments makes every moment of exploring fun. With the 16 hours I spent in Bonetown so far, I’m still finding new stuff like a big-breasted robot that popped out of the sewers and gave me her leg as thanks for healing her with our character’s penis.
The humor in this game is wildly unpredictable. It greatly lends to us not having the foggiest of clues of what we may find when exploring. Humor is one of the most subjective things in existence, so the dark comedy displayed here obviously won’t appeal to everyone. It certainly does apply to everyone, though. The developers took a shot at pretty much every group of people I can think of in an over-the-top, playful manner. I loved every second of it and will gladly admit that Aguaman is a top-tier superhero as a Latino myself. I also never imagined myself beating Jesus Christ down with a twelve-pack of beer in order to steal his bong. Hate it or love it, the things that happen in Bonetown are definitely memorable. I can go on and on with my experiences, but I will refrain from spoiling the many insane situations you’ll find yourself in should you decide to play Bonetown.
With all the content they added in The Second Coming, it is easy to confuse this version with being a remaster of Bonetown. It is not. That would imply that it has been brought over to suit current systems, yet that is not the case. You’ll find that the UI will get smaller the higher your display’s resolution is and becomes darn near unusable with 4k. Good luck finding anything on the map. Worse still is the performance. With how this game looks, you’d think it would be a breeze to run. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I have an RTX 3080 GPU and an I9 10900k processor overclocked to 5.1ghz. For those that don’t speak tech, that is pretty high-end hardware. Despite that, I occasionally found myself in the low 20fps range in some areas. I got rid of my overclocking, tried setting my CPU to only two cores, tested it on various other PCs, and all to no avail. It simply runs poorly and refuses to use most of your hardware’s power.
Another thing you may be confused about from the store page is the Fantasy Mode. It states to let you skip gameplay and get right to boning. That is true, but you need to unlock the sex positions and unique events from the campaign first. Fantasy is more of an area to hang out in when you don’t feel like entering Bonetown proper to view the sex scenes, rather than one where you can skip the game entirely. It is a nice addition, but unlike in the main missions, you can easily avoid combat while exploring in Bonetown. You can search for more collectibles, admire the NPCs as they sometimes randomly have sex, or just screw around yourself. It’s a pretty chill game. If you’ve been wondering, no, there is not any male on male sex, nor can you play as a female. That is a shame. Something just as fun as exploring is simply listening to the dialogue NPCs have and how they interact. It is fun to steal the identity of someone new just to hear what they say and see how people treat them. For a world that features roads yet we never see anyone driving, the environments feel quite alive.
Despite my several grievances with Bonetown, I enjoyed my time in it. The sex animations are rather good, and there are plenty of them. Its mini-game to get a girl to orgasm is quick, easy, and fits into the game very well. You don’t even have to worry about getting her off; one could adjust the speed and power of your thrusts solely to your leisure. If you enjoy exploring, Bonetown is in a league of its own when it comes to H games. Its low-brow dudebro humor will not be everyone’s cup of tea and is far from filtered down. Bonetown sticks to its raw identity as an edgy and admittedly dumb game full of glorious nonsense that one can’t help but think back on it fondly. Where it falters is in its insistence that combat alone can carry the missions and later introducing cheap tactics that force you to fight fire with fire by abusing the drug super moves. It runs unreasonably poorly as well for a game with the recommended specs of a ‘Core 2 Duo @ 2.4ghz’ and any GPU with 1GB of VRAM. With that said, Bonetown’s best feature is the town itself, not the missions or any guided events that are far too full of combat. If you are the type of person who enjoys creating your own fun or is intrigued by the high amount of sexual content on offer, Bonetown is certainly worth considering.
[A Review Copy Was Provided]
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